non violent | Communication | OBSERVATIONS
In Non-Violent Communication (NVC), feelings are the second step — after observations, before NEEDS.
The idea is simple but radical: most of us are terrible at identifying and expressing what we actually feel. We say “I feel like you don’t care” — but that’s not a feeling, that’s an interpretation of someone else’s behavior. A real feeling would be: “I feel lonely” or “I feel hurt.”
Why this matters: when you express actual feelings, people can empathize. When you express judgments disguised as feelings, people get defensive. The language shift changes the entire dynamic of a conversation.
Categories of feelings:
When needs are met:
- Happy, grateful, joyful, relieved, inspired, confident, peaceful, excited, proud, hopeful
When needs are NOT met:
- Sad, frustrated, anxious, lonely, overwhelmed, confused, angry, disappointed, scared, exhausted
The practice is noticing what you feel in your body — tightness in the chest, lightness in the stomach, tension in the shoulders — and finding the word for it. This sounds basic but most people operate on autopilot and never actually check in with themselves.
The power move: instead of “You made me angry,” try “When [observation], I feel angry, because I need [need].” This owns your emotional experience instead of making someone else responsible for it.
Feelings are data. They point to whether your NEEDS are being met or not. That’s their function.