REQUESTS

non violent | Communication | NEEDS

Requests are the final step in the NVC process: after observing, feeling, and identifying needs, you ask for something specific.

The difference between a request and a demand is everything. A demand says “do this or else.” A request says “would you be willing to…” and genuinely accepts “no” as an answer. If you can’t accept “no,” it’s not a request — it’s a demand wearing a polite mask.

Good requests are:

• Specific — “I’d like you to take out the trash tonight” not “I want you to help more around the house”
• Positive — ask for what you want, not what you don’t want. “Would you put your phone away during dinner?” beats “Stop being on your phone all the time.”
• Present-tense — ask for something doable now, not a vague future commitment
• Actionable — the person needs to be able to actually do what you’re asking

Two types of requests:

1. Action requests — “Would you be willing to…?” Asking someone to do something specific.
2. Connection requests — “How do you feel hearing this?” or “Would you tell me what you heard me say?” These check that the communication actually landed.

The connection request is underused but incredibly powerful. Most miscommunication happens not because people disagree but because they literally didn’t hear the same thing.

The full NVC formula in action: “When I see [observation], I feel [feeling], because I need [need]. Would you be willing to [request]?”

It sounds formulaic at first. With practice, it becomes natural and transforms how you navigate conflict.