non violent | Communication | FEELINGS
Needs are the engine behind every feeling. In NVC, the third step is identifying the universal human need behind what you’re feeling.
This is the breakthrough insight of Non-Violent Communication: all human behavior is an attempt to meet needs. Even destructive behavior. Even the behavior that drives you crazy. Once you see this, you can stop judging actions and start understanding motivations.
Universal human needs include:
- Connection — love, belonging, intimacy, acceptance, community
- Autonomy — freedom, independence, choice, space
- Meaning — purpose, contribution, growth, creativity
- Physical well-being — food, water, rest, safety, shelter
- Honesty — authenticity, integrity, transparency
- Peace — harmony, order, beauty, ease
- Play — fun, joy, humor, spontaneity
The key insight: needs are universal. Everyone shares them. What differs is the strategy we use to meet them. Conflict almost always happens at the strategy level, not the need level.
Example: Two people arguing about whether to go out or stay in aren’t in conflict about a need — they both might need connection. They just have different strategies for meeting that need.
When you can name your need, you can brainstorm multiple strategies to meet it. When you can name someone else’s need, you can find solutions that work for both of you. This is where real REQUESTS come from — specific, actionable strategies to meet identified needs.